So, I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the 'weight on my chest' part for the last entry in my journal...? Cause, I cannot seem to breathe, hardly at all. I think, that maybe I'm getting sick...or that, from that time when Amzer found me all worn out and all underneath the tunnels, that I just haven't gotten better since then. I'd thought I'd gotten better, I mean, it was just a bit of fatigue and a cough, right? Maybe though, my body just ain't up to all this work and hunting and training I've been putting it through. Cause, I'm feeling cold again, and now my eyelids droop.....

Right, so busy busy, so it seems to be all the time anymore! Fair worn me down, and all, and I've been sleeping it off for quite a bit lately. I've so wanted to go and see Ermin again, despite my earlier fears. Its selfish I suppose, and maybe I'm just a teensy bit jealous...I mean, Ermin has Seph now, and Shawna and Yojji are so perfect for each other...not to say, that I'd have things any different for either pair! I care so much, about all of them, and I'm glad to see them so happy together. But sometimes, its a reminder, and a sharp stab it is to my heart.

But, back to what I was talking about...I'd been working on the surprise, to no luck of course. Like I've said, I think my luck ran out with finding that Scepter, with two charges no less! But, still been working on it; I wouldn't give up for nothing, for its very important. I've still been trying to help the initiates when I can, as well, but...I dunno, some of them rather irritate me. I know, I know...I am still young, and rather childish at times; maybe I just lack the patience? Or, maybe just the attention span!

I'd heard, in the last few days, of Tus's leaving...that truly saddens me. He was one of the first people I'd met when I came here, and one of the first I truly came to respect and care about. I don't rightly know what happened, to make us lose contact over the months, but it is a sad truth none-the-less. People leave, go away...I know Cel has taken over leadership, and I've not really had much chance to talk to her. I really hope that things are going mostly alright, though. I'm sure that Trip will be around, when he can, to help her out. He's sweet like that.

But, anyway....to sleep again, and let a weary mind and body rest.
Hoping tomorrow brings less weight on my chest.

Such a great idea, I think. But, its a secret, so am not allowed to tell...and, since I know lots of peepers come and take a look at this, am not even going to write it down! Its gotta be a surprise, and can't let anyone know. Having found that charged Scepter of Morning Light will really help the funds for it, but mite be a bit, fore it actually sells.

Think the highlight of my night, was sittin and talking to Will. Annoying as he is, he's gotta be one of the best friends I've ever had in my time here...and, he's the one I've known the longest. He riles me up, like nothing else...but, maybe thats a good thing. I've been too quiet, and lonely like lately. Its nice, to sit and talk with him here and there, about nothing, about anything. Still wonder about that mask, though...

Finally, I got to see Ermin back, though I believe that Seph must have gone to sleep. Oh, to see her happy again...it lifts my own heart up. Though, I must admit to feeling a bit jealous, and...sad, almost. Oh, I'm absolutely happy for her, I'd be nothing but that! Its just, shes finally found it...she's happy with him, and they understand each other...its, well, almost too perfect. And, I know they will be together more, and I'll feel a bit left out, or awkward even. What can I say? I love her, my lil sis...but, I don't want to draw away from her happiness. And, I'm afraid I will...
Because, I'm not that rogue she first met. I'm more the guttersnipe that lived back in the streets now, than I was that first day I stepped into Dundee. Why? I don't know, honestly...I think I've gotten a bit colder. I mean, its not really noticeable to those close to me, I suppose, because I'd do anything for them...but, I've not hung out in Cerbies for ages, and I don't much like the crowds anymore. I can remember, when I used ot sit around and sing, all the time....I've not done that in ages, either. I'm doing my best, to be more like the rouge I was-I'm helping initiates-few of which are nice to talk to, others which are...irritating, I'm working on a song, for the Hammers thingummy, am workin on the secret, and thats fun. But, still, I don't think I'm the same. Is that good, or bad? Who knows, but if its bad, I don't want to drag her, and her new found love, down.

Always I find myself returning to you, the holder of my thoughts, my apspirations, my troubles. Though, I find little to actually say, for now. Not to say that nothing has happened, oh no, time moves on and things are always happening...something, somewhere always. Its just that...I find it having little importance to me right now, I suppose.

The foolish rogue, ever looking after me...anytime I falter, he is willing to step in and pick me up, but then disappears again, quick as the shadows. He is interesting, to sit and think things out with, seeing as he has such...different opinions, on things. And yet, I sometimes feel myself working around in circles, talking with him!

Sis, well she darn near frightened the life outta me the other day. I've known for a long time, that things are not quite...well...with the guild. In fact, its part of the reason why I think I've been so irritated...it scares me. This is the only family I've known, the only people who've ever taken me in and not immediately betrayed me, in some way. I suppose lately thats how I've sorta felt...waiting for the axe to fall, the blow to strike and say...its over. To say, the OSS is no more, that I'm cast out, to find my place again. That, though I'd be loathe to admit it to anyone, is my greatest fear. To be like that again, alone, unwanted. So, I was secretly thrilled, that she said we'd work, we'd try really hard, together, to bring it back to its feet. Me and Dari, we talked a bit...and, decided that a party is most definately in order. Green, she said it was a good idea too....oh! And, she says I'm the Queen of Devilment...I think, I could like that title! But, I'm helping work on the party, and I feel a bit more...alive, for it.

I've heard news, that maybe Ermin and Seph are back...I've yet to see either of them, though. Oh, I wish I could go to Ethucan, again...my one visit, it wasn't enough, and I wasn't quite knowledgeable to appreciate it, I think. Well, hopefully I'll have a chance to sit and talk with those two, and they can tell me all about it. I'll almost be like having gone, myself...

Hmm, and I'd thought I'd left my quick temper on the streets...?
Well, I truly guess I didn't. Either that, or I'm alot more tired than I expected. I probably shouldn't be training so hard, but its hard not to. Its an easy distraction, and doesn't involve much thought. Maybe Val was right...I do think too much.

So, I went to go sleep in my favorite place, the gardens of course...I love that place, partly because I helped build it, I suppose...I think mostly though, its because its a safe haven. It just doesn't feel like anything bad can touch me there, and I suppose I've needed that kind of comfort alot lately. I want to go back to the way I was, carefree and silly...whatever happened to that rogue?

Sometimes, I think a glimpse of her escapes. When I talk to Ermin, or Shawna...when I'm not upset or angry, of course. But, I'm not like I used to be...you know, I was talking to Seph, and I threatened him! Only cause I was concerned for Ermin, of course...but still!! A year, no, even just a few months ago, would I have done so? Maybe I've grown cold...maybe not.

Never-the-less, I just...gods, now I'm tired. I shouldn't have lashed out. Sis just wants to help, and I shouldn't fight things I can't. It was Sendars choice, like anyone elses. I can't try and stop it.

Ok, I'm just all sick of so much lately, and it all just makin me feel so...angry!!

First of all, I got so many tellin me, Skye, you need to eat more, your thin as a stick, and junk and all like that. I know, half the time, its all in fun and the other half, its all in concern...but gods! Let me be...me. If its how I want to treat myself, let me be. If it keeps the guys away...? Well, thats what I wanted, ain't it! My choice, my decision!! Gods, let me be....

Oh, and right rich this one is-Sendar pops up, and just mad to even see his face. Another one, pushed him away so he'd leave now. Like a bandage, rip it off quickly, don't let the pain fester. Better if he just goes now. Does it matter, how much I care about him, like my brother, us always jokin and fightin all the time? No!! It doesn't, and he goes and leaves, like that...Makes me so mad, and I gotta stay mad, cause I know if I don't, then I'm just gonna cry. And I'm sick of crying, sick of being weak. So, I go and yell off at Shawna, too...cause, honestly, thats what I'm scared of. Who's truly left, that cares about the guild? So few....we were never many to begin with, and now, so few. One day, they will all leave...and now, oh, now...I'm the rogue officer, position of uselessness, for, I'm one of only two rogues left to the guild!! Oh, how rich it all is...stay mad, so I don't go all sad....

Gods, let me be...

Too much fighting, it makes a silly rogue dull...well, and tired, of course!! So, I'm going to rest for awhile now. I think its something I deserve!

I've been keeping myself busy, plat farming, looking for crystals to take to the machine. I think I've done fairly well, so far...I've found two treasure boxes, some weapon primatives, a few good scrolls from the machine. I'm saving all this plat, even though I don't know why...but, its kinda nice to just go buy tons of potions, and then give them out to new initiates, having trouble getting through the beasties. A rogue with a full plat purse, always a happy rogue....

Well, for the most part, at least. That was til I had someone ask me for help, and I told him I couldn't help him at the moment, as I was helping someone else. And his next words shocked me, to the core. Ugly...he said I was ugly, inside and out, and how could I help anyone anyhow? Oh, how the words stung...inside, I knew they couldn't possibly be true, and yet still that little doubt, working its way under my skin. That sickening poison...I needed some sort of comfort, sitting alone, I was only making myself feel worse. So, I asked sis to come...and she even brought Green along! I didn't mean to be a trouble...but they both genuinely were concerned, and sat and talked to me, calmly telling me how those words weren't true, how I had to know they weren't. Gods...what did I do to deserve a sis like her? Or a friend like Green? I felt safe and comforted again, sis being my anchor as I feel asleep against her side...

I find it almost amazing, how long we can walk these lands and not notice the jewel among the rubbish. No, I speak not of love, at least not in the sense of one soul recognizing another. I mean in friendship. How we can wander, day after day and see the same people, and yet never take the chance to talk to them or meet them. I thank my sis so much, for meeting Yojji and introducing her to me. There truly, is a jewel among clerics. And, what a wry wit to match! Don't get me wrong, I love my sis...but, only so much grunting you can take, ya know? Green, the healer...she really sits and talks with ya, not tryin to weasel something out, but trying to understand why. Bet she was damned curious as a kid, probably got in trouble and all too. But...it was nice. I'm glad I went up to the tavern to talk, and even more, I'm glad I gave her that jewel that the Viscontessa Miranda gave me, awhile back. Green likes pretty baubles, and it was a green one too boot! I hope she really did like it...

Normalicy...if it even exists in such a crazy land! I went back to an old hobby of mine, crystal hunting. Oh, yes-quite the odd hobby for a rogue, I know. I've heard it many times over! And, while I do like the occasional shiny thing here and there, I'm no lady to hoarde baubles and such. Theres just something, about the guardians...I dunno, really. But, feeling when I best one of them, when I can see that pulsating power, that glowing crystal fall from the crumpled armor...I feel like I've done something. But, alas...not every time a good crystal. And, tonite was not so good at all. Seven of the red guardians, in under 6 marcs...and only one had a glowie. And its turned out to be a gibberish scroll. GAH!

The friends I have...I pity them, honestly, for dealing with my broken mind. How can they put up with me? I am never whole. Despite him setting me free, I had to come to him for help. I needed to let go of something....and accept that there is nothing I can do about it.

Foolish rogue, I push him away so that it will stop tearing everything apart. He is so very lost himself, that he doesn't need to be tryin to piece my head back together when his own is a pile of shattered pieces.

And, what to do about her...? I let the guilt eat me up before, but I had to accept the fact, that I can't force an apology. Yojji tole me that, suppose it really makes sense. I try to let her know, I'm sorry...but I have to let it go for now. She hates me, and I'm afraid, she always will. Her temper is hot, but in this case I think it has gone cold...frigidly cold hatred, for the words I said. Someday, I hope she can forgive me.

I remember.......
I don't................
I remember..........
I don't....................

Black and light, black and light....guilt and right, guilt and right. I'm letting it eat me up. The words I said so long ago, and sought to push away. They come back for me. I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said them to her. Spiteful words...

I know it is very foolish, selfish and pitiful even that I do so, but I hold the words like a sore cancer. I asked him, if he ever thought she would talk to me again...and the answer snapped something. I know, she had told me as much herself, and yet...I'd hoped...but, no. His words took away any hope there. And the guilt eats at me, for I was cruel and spiteful in what I said. And for that, I hate myself. And for that, I shall remain where I am now, with those I belong with. And slay them as though I slayed myself.

Twisting shadows in the formless night. Sanity takes wings, leaves you without sight. Darkness swallows you without fight. Regret mistakes you made in the past. Words spoke in anger, far too fast. Things you thought firm never last. Torch the tears, burn the ash. Angers collide, sparks flash. Dull aftermath, nothing left to smash. Shattered pieces litter the ground. A string snapped, the path not found. Incriminating words run round and round. What is there left to say? How easily to hate did I fall prey. Look to a heart made of unformed clay. Upon deaf ears the words I pray. Grey dismay do I display. As I try to portray a sense of being okay. running far away, letting will-o-wisps lead me astray as I follow the path onward to decay. Takes this body away on an uncharted flight. Letting inside grow the blackened blight. Deny the need for sunshines delight.

Well, I finally got a chance to talk with Shawna's infamous Yojji...I've never seen a more rogue-like cleric! Shes quite endearing, though...I can see why sis appreciates her, seeing as she kept giving me food. Way to a warriors heart, is through her stomach.

Well...I don't know what to do. How do help someone who's helped you time and again, when they refuse any help? Should I give up? But, that would just prove them right, thinking they are helpless and that no one could care for them. Do I keep trying, and face a brick wall? Why not? Maybe sometimes, even the littlest nudge could bring the wall tumbling down. Who knows?

I ran into the two of them talking, down in the tunnels..and quickly ran away. I so wanted to reach out to her, and make her see how sorry I am...yet, I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at her, couldn't look up to her eyes to see if they were filled with hate at the sight of me. I just hope, that he can help her out a bit.

Ok, ok...so, I'm a fool. A caring fool, but a fool nonetheless. Selfishly, I needed some sort of outside reassurance, that I wasn't the only one who was weary with the world and the fighting and the losing friends and cared ones. I know, its silly that I needed reassurance of that, but I'm a silly rogue, so that suits me just fine!

The foolish rogue...how does he not get mad at me? I push him, and push him...seeking some proof that something is wrong with me, some proof that people should stay away. And he proves me wrong, no matter how much I test him time and again. At times, I hate him for that...but, that is silly me as well. More times than not, when anger is gone I appreciate what he does so much. He truly does care...

Both Ermin and Shawna talked to me a bit as well. With the former, I had my fortune told...almost too disturbingly acurate, as well. Shawna...my sis, who is my strength, my anchor at times...she went to go find me, in my snowy, silent domain. She found me out, and drew out my fears, that pain, like a poison. The stars...fallen heroes...it was nice to talk and pour out my pain in my tears...and I finally felt free. She took me on a cannon ride, and I went to go eat! Will talked to me, too...geez, would think I was dying, way people keep pointing out my weight. He was worried at how I was hurting myself, but I needed to escape...It will take awhile to heal the damage I did to my body, starving and depriving it. But, I think I'll have help...

However, there is still one more wrong to fix. I've missed her. Her joking, calling me lil sparrow. How long, since we have truly sat, and talked? I can't even remember...And, its all my fault. I was arrogant, and foolish in my pride, thinking I knew everything. Oh, how wrong I have been, about so much lately. I really want to apologize, but I fear she won't talk to me, anymore. I don't think she will listen, anymore. I don't want that to lie there still, though...I need to right the wrong I did, if she will let me.

Ahhh, I've found a nice and quiet place to hide out for awhile, to sit and think just a bit, when I want. I'd forgotten about that snowy haven, where all you hear is the whispering of the flakes swirling round and round...the quiet rasping of it over the icy slopes. And I can sit and stare off, looking from my position so high up into the mountains down below, across to Caernivale. I can even watch the cannon shoot off! Its a nice place to sit...

I don't really feel like talking to anyone. I was wandering around tiredly before stumbling over Amzer...his body all beaten and scratched, and horrid wounds on him. I did what I could, stitching him up...setting his arm back in place. Ey, gods...that popping noise as I felt it snap into place under my hands, the heat from the strained muscles. I hope I never have to do that again. But, all the blood, his face looking so pale...like the nitemares, everyone dying, the battlefield stretching out before me in forms of pale death and bloody red gore...seeing him like that, I couldn't focus, and darkness made my mind forget, for awhile.

Finally, he woke up and I realized it wasn't another nitemare, that would leaving me screaming hoarsely, waking myself up again once again. He seemed to be doing much better, but I was worried he might do something foolish again. I tried to ask Shir if she would keep an eye on him...but, I don't know, I think she hates me anymore. I haven't talked much to her, since...since I'd started being with Skiff. Little does she know how right she was, that it wouldn't work out. That no relationship will work out for me. Anyway, she left me with a short message and I went off again, feeling that coldness seep up again with the distancing of one more person. But, distance is the only way to keep from feeling that despair, when they hurt, leave...die. Better not to touch, and challenge the fires...better to withhold your hand and stay away.

I tried to go train, but...I ran out of strength. Food hasn't been important, so my body, again rebel that it is, turns against me. Fight it into oblivion, to escape the dreams the torture me for no particular reason, except because I torture myself. But, he doesn't let me sit in my own indulgence of self pity. He draws it out of me, piece by reluctant piece, despite my protests to the otherwise. Foolish rogue..his own blood coating my cloak and clothes and he has the nerve to look up at me with those puppy eyes and ask whats wrong. Foolish rogue, that I call friend...But, I don't want to reach out again, I don't want to lean on someone else. Thats all I ever do, lean on everyone else, because I act the pitiful weak rogue. No more. Even if it means standing alone, I'll do it. I gotta be able to rely on only myself, because someday, there won't be time for anyone to talk to the lil sparrow anymore, or else there simply will be no one to talk at all anymore, for they will have all left me, alone. There I go again, though, the self pity. But..should I not have such an indulgence? Tis my journal, after all. And, I think I need it, here and there. Because, I can no longer trouble anyone else. Elly has Pallas now, her beloved to talk to. Amzer has Shir, his thoughtful sister. Shawna has Yoj to talk to her, Trip has Cel to go to...need I go on? Tis selfish of me, to want to take their time up with my own. So, quill and parchement it is, then...

Sick of it all...I weary of it. This body, my enemy, torture it for how it tortures me, repayment for demons of the dark. Food, water, sleep...unneccessary, not needed. Let it fade away, waste away, for it is useless. Sleep steals up, torment of the mind. Blood so red, cleaved flesh...faces, of those I care for. Vacant eyes upon their faces, empty eyes, reflecting my own, but mine are empty in a different way. A battlefield, covered in the faces...unending, intermitent with red, a slashed painting, haphazardly drawn. Let it all take me away...awake to an unaltered reality.

I.Can't.Even.Believe.It.

Madness, surely...temporary insanity, or something must infest the lands! What was she thinking, to have him go and, and ask me that?!? Right after I get back, and am tired, and not...feeling myself anyhow. And, after me and Skiff decided, mutually, that it wouldn't work...how could I answer such a question?!?

I don't even know how to ever answer such a question...grrrr, meddling chanters.......What do I say to Trip?!?

I have sat and thought, and thought, and thought til I began to fear my head would burst. The initial jubilation I felt in freeing myself from the ties of the land wore off quickly, and the old weariness began to return. Shall it never leave me? Doubt, fear, worry, concern, and beneath it, that neverending despair. Despair that, no matter what I try to do...nothing will change. People will die. Friends will weary of the fight and grow heart-sick, as I am.

Finding that thought had done nothing, as working myself to weariness also had not, I was left in...lassitude. What do you do, when doing something, and doing nothing returns no results? I feel..empty, because I don't know what has left me this way. Is it just that fear, that helpless feeling?

I know I missed Elly's bonding...and, I felt horrible for telling her no, but I just couldn't. I couldn't look at the happiness I see literally flowing between her and Pallas, and then try to sing the song I wrote... Not when I feel this way, the words would sound...hollow, and false. Leaving...was a far better answer. But, there I go, the coward, running away again and again...I wasn't able to save my village, and not even able to strike at most of the demons in the land, and not even able to sing a darn song for someone I care about...

So...I return. Why? Because, there is nothing left for me out here either. Because I feel myself, my body and mind slowly drifting away from each other. Maybe I've lost hope. Maybe I've lost my will. Maybe...I'm just growing up. Is this growing up, the loss of the childlike silliness, letting go of the silly rogue? I don't know.....

Too much of a good thing is bad, some say....is the likewise just as true? Can too much of a bad thing, be good? That I've tried and tried...staying for days, training my body harshly, down on the beach. Sleeping at the cave entrance when weariness overtook me. And yet, it seems to take me more and more often. It engulfs me....as does the despair. The fight will never end. It wears on me, over and over. How long have I lived these lands, fought these demons with every breath and fiber of my being? More than a year and a half, now...so long as that it has been....

Too long, for this young/old soul to bear. Too long, the pains burdening my thin shoulders. I needs must escape, before they snap me in two.

This is no goodbye, merely a farewell of sorts. I need time away to think. I need to be alone with my thoughts, so that I can sort this sickness of my soul. I shall return to the lands, and hopefully, twill be a triumphant one, where I have conquered the demons of my mind. Look for me on the far horizons, friends, family, loved ones....I hope that these green eyes will rest upon you soon once again.

And so, I shall strike off...and let the winds take me where they will.